I try to have this ritual where before I go to sleep I think about the way I existed and ask if I 1. moved through the day in a way that felt aligned with what I value* and 2. if I have anything I need to metaphorically clean up if I didn’t. I review my day in my head and wonder if I behaved in a way that is congruent with the person I know myself to be and am proud of, and sometimes stay up too late thinking about how I could have been more honest if I did something that day that feels icky or heavy or weird. I’m not going to lie, I don’t always do this because it’s really hard, but I am trying to be consistent in this check-in with myself so that I can continue to be a functioning member of the communities I enter.
*authenticity, joy as an active practice, honesty especially when it’s hard, expansive compassion and kindness, genuine connection and presence, respect (understanding it is a 2-way street and is not given but earned no matter the dynamic), and Community with a capital C*
I think about the person I was before this practice, before I was welcomed into the world of transformative justice with open arms by Kai Chen Thom, adrienne maree brown, mariame kaba and so many others, the person who simply didn’t have the language, tools, or self-regard to think of themselves beyond their ability to be liked or be deemed worthy in the eyes of others, and am grateful for all that I have been taught to unlearn.
And in no way am I claiming perfection or superiority. that is never my aim as I know that to be a false hope, a waste of my hard-earned energy. I am just saying that my life became a lot easier to live when I paused to look at the way it interacts and intersects with everyone else’s and from there, penned the prerequisites for my survival as my promise to the spaces I enter. I tend to be proud of the way I carry myself and that is because I am adamant about the way I am showing up in all ways and all times as my truest self.
I still fuck up though! I have not always shown up well and am definitely the villain in a few people’s stories. Not everyone is going to like me and I know this because I do not like everyone. That’s allowed! The grey area we must swim in with love and liberation as the shore in sight is the contradiction of me wanting the people who have harmed me to suffer but also heal.
People seem to be really conflict averse too, not wanting to hurt feelings or on the other side so quick to cancel and write someone off for saying the wrong thing once, and there’s just no room for growth or understanding if those are our only two options.
Restorative justice teaches us that we all are going to fuck up, have fucked up, and probably will again. that is the nature of being alive. how we repair and transform ourselves and our relationships from our fuck ups is what matters. Working to ensure that we are learning from our mistakes and mishaps so that we don’t repeat them doesn’t mean we won’t fail or fumble in other ways.
*I’ll pause here to say that “harm” is contextual and its meaning can vary (and should be more completely defined!!) depending on the situation. words mean things!! The clearer you can express yourself the less space there is for nuance or misconception.
And accountability is really hard!!! It’s hard to admit you were wrong and can be devastating to grapple with the fact that you’ve hurt someone or caused harm in some way, especially if your aim was not to be intentionally malicious. But I would much rather sift through the difficulties of conflict with someone or a community that I love and work toward repairing our relationship than let it die. If we let everything die when things get hard or tense, then what lives?
I remember once offhandedly saying to my friend in response to the state of the world that I wish the earth just imploded. They countered with, “But then that means the people you work with at Rikers will die in jail.” And that shook me a bit they were so right. I really don’t want the world to end. In fact, I want it to continue so badly that I commit myself to actively working to create the world I intend to live in.
Abolition reminds us that the world is worth saving and we owe it to each other to work together to save it.
The world I want to live in is a free one. If that is true, then it means that the body that I live in must be a free one too.
👏👏👏. Needed this today!
this hits ! thank you for articulating 🫶